Random thoughts going through my head as I watch the Panamanian sun-rise out the window of a 19 seat, 2-engine island hopper

I've been struggling with my relationship with God lately...or perhaps my lack of a relationship. For a long time I've proudly considered myself a card-carrying member of the snooty intellectual atheist club. But when I found out my Dad had cancer I prayed. And when I found out my cousin had Hodgkins I prayed. I found comfort in those moments by returning to the religion I was raised in. Maybe it's just that whole Pascal's wager thing, what do you have to lose by believing? I never did like that answer.

Really atheism is just as much a religion as any other. By proclaiming there is no god without any proof of it you're making a leap of faith. I think my whole problem with god's existence has been around the world we live in. It seems like a pretty crappy place. Lots of bad things happen to good people, and bad people get away with murder (and worse). And the idea that a benevelent, all-powerful god would permit this to happen is impossible to comprehend. I can't imagine a master-plan that makes sense of all of this.

Most of this probably just stems from my bitterness at the world. I guess it's obvious to everyone who knows me, assuming there is actually someone out there who knows me. I do a pretty good job of keeping myself hidden. I've got a lot of masks I know how to wear and different personalities I can put on and take off as the need arises. Maybe that serves a purpose, but I actually disremember what the end goal of this is supposed to be.

I have started to notice a certain pathology I have with relationships. I have a pretty good track record of attracting possessive, needy women. And then stroking their hopes until they are emotionally attached. And finally starting the slow process of pulling away and becoming ever more distant. Looking back I see I have repeated this process in every substantial relationship I've ever had. I don't know if that means I should find less possessive women or shouldn't pull away when I become hooked.

But really I'm just having a tough time acknowledging that I'm even thinking about this. This seems like a pretty strange line of analysis coming from a self-avowed commitment-phobe and "bachelor for life". I've actually caught myself saying things like "wow, she'd make a good mother" or "yeah, I could wake up next to her for the rest of my life" lately. That's a little more than out of character for me. Maybe my biological clock is just ticking too, but more than that I think I'm getting a little tired of just running.

Everytime I talk to my Dad he asks me the same thing. "So when are you coming back?" And I always have the same lame reply, "Uh...I dunno, I'm going to (insert random Latin American country here) next." I'm know they're convinced I'm quite insane at this point.

I never really did like "Catcher in the Rye" and I'm not really sure why. It scared me, continues to scare me when I think of what happens. I could see myself as Holden. And I could definately see this world driving me crazy. It wouldn't be that long of a trip.