George W. Bush, you owe me $172.20 + $15 service fee

Ok, it’s not in the same realm as the torture of those Guantanomo Bay prisoners or the countless murdered Iraqi civilians, but at this moment I consider myself another victim of the United States Global War on Terrorism (USGWOT).

Somewhere between Cleveland and Chicago, between Dec. 9th and Dec 14th the US Government decided I presented a significant enough threat to national security to warrant being placed on the national “Do Not Fly” list.

What exactly I did to earn this distinction in 5 short days I have no idea. It couldn’t possibly be the one-way ticket to Medellin (Yes, that Medellin) could it? Actually I’m kinda surprised I wasn’t on it before, what with the Muslim name and all. I even made fun of my sister who was on the list, damn karma coming back to screw me!

Well I’m gonna start my own list. The Individuals, Organizations, Abstractions and Entities that Kashif No Se Gusta List (IOAETKNSG). Number 1 entry on the list, George W. Bush.

After waiting approximately 17 hours in United’s check-in line (you’re on the list too United! Would it really have killed you to have more than 3 people working with a line going around the block?) with only a few scant minutes to spare in order to make my flight to Orlando to connect with my flight in Miami I was informed that I would have the pleasure of experiencing first-hand some of our nations post-911 enhanced security measures. What follows is verbatim snippet of the conversation with the United Counter Dude, who actually was pretty helpful, despite the tense situation.

Me: “So when you say I’m on the ‘Do Not Fly’ list what exactly does that mean?"
United Counter Dude: “Extra security”
Me: “So they’re gonna strip search me?”
United Counter Dude: “Yup”
Me: “So basically I’m screwed right?”
United Counter Dude: “Yup”

Knowing full well that there was no way I was going to make my initial flight due to the full body cavity search (ok, it wasn’t really that bad), and with United refusing to simply put me on a later flight due to some crazy explanation about being ticketed through Avianca and the restrictions on the Orbitz ticket (Orbitz, I’m thinking of putting you on the list too. Really if you’re gonna call me at 4:00 AM to tell me the flight is on time, at least tell me the line at O’Hare is around the proverbial block) I could see no way to begin my South American journey today other than purchasing another one-way ticket to Miami from United to fly on Ted (ok, who the hell came up with Ted? Samira, if you can’t become a marketing executive in a world where Ted is a valid name for a subsidiary of a multi-national company, then there is something severely wrong), which would give me exactly 1:32 minutes to check-in for my Avianca flight in Miami. (Avianca, you might get put on the list too, I’m not really sure why yet, but I’m sure you had some part of this whole mess).

Ok Scott, now I know you’re going to read this and say something about how I should be on the list and it’s my own damn fault, then you’ll probably say “yee haw!” and talk about that 50 cal sniper rifle you’ve been wanting to buy, but come on now, I’m not the only one who’s been inconvenienced as such. In fact, everyone who flies anywhere through the US has to take off their shoes, and pull out their laptops, and jump through all sorts of other random hoops. And while it might be only a couple minutes of bother, multiply it by the millions of people who have to tolerate it. And then ask yourself the important question, are we actually any safer today than we were pre-911? Or are we just going through a bunch of silly regulations and restrictions for no real purpose other than to give ourselves a false sense of security? The scene from “The Man with Two Brains” where Steve Martin takes the DUI test in Norway (or whatever silly European country that was) comes to mind.

There’s one thing that I know for sure. If some group of terrorists ever tried to take over another plane with box-cutters, it wouldn’t fly (bad pun, I know). No group of passengers on an airplane would ever again let anyone get in the cockpit, they’d do what those passengers in PA did (whatever they did, guess we’ll never really find out).

So how does me taking off my shoes, and them taking my nail clippers from me actually make us even a little bit safer? What’s that Benjamin Franklin quote about temporary security vs. liberty? Or was it Jefferson? Whatever, either way I’m out $172.20 + $15 service fee and so are a bunch of other people (well not the same amount you know, but the principle of the thing) and dammit they even charge for the snacks on the stupid airplanes now. I was gonna write a letter, but instead I’ll just piss and moan on my blog…that’ll show them!

sigh…tranquilo, tranquilo…